From the essay shelf
For Parents and Friends
Someone you care about has told you that they are a therian, or otherkin, or that they are in some way an animal. Perhaps it was said shyly, after weeks of working up to it. Perhaps you found out from a drawing, a mask on a bedroom shelf, or a word overheard. You have come looking for an explanation, which was a kind thing to do. Here is the plainest one I can give.
What they are telling you
A therian is a person who feels, deeply and persistently, that they are in some inward sense a particular animal. An otherkin feels the same about a being of myth, such as a dragon or an elf.
They are not telling you that they believe their body is an animal's. They know it is not. They are not telling you that they will stop going to school, or eat from a bowl on the floor, or cease to be the person you know. They are telling you something about how they experience being themselves, and they are almost certainly nervous about how you will take it.
It is not a mental illness and is not treated as one. It is not new; adults have been describing this experience, in these words, for more than thirty years. And it is not something that anyone talked them into, though they may well have learned the vocabulary online.
What to say
The first response matters more than any later one. You do not need to understand, and you do not need to agree. You need only to show that the door is open.
- "Thank you for telling me."
- "I do not know much about this. Will you explain what it means for you?"
- "What is it like?"
- "Is there anything you would like me to do, or not do?"
Then listen. You will probably hear something more thoughtful than you expected.
Things better left unsaid: "That is ridiculous." "You are just copying people on the internet." "You are a human being and that is the end of it." "What will people think?" Each of these teaches only one lesson, which is not to tell you things.
"Is it a phase?"
It might be. Young people try on many ways of understanding themselves, and some set this one down after a few months. It might not be. Many adults have felt this way since childhood and still do in old age.
You cannot tell which from outside, and happily you do not have to. The right response is the same in both cases. If it passes, it will have passed without having become a battle. If it stays, you will have been on their side from the start.
Masks, tails and running on all fours
These are the visible things, and so they cause the most alarm. They are best understood as crafts and play. Making a mask is a skilled hobby. Quadrobics, the running and jumping on hands and feet, is vigorous exercise. Wearing a tail in the garden harms no one.
Ordinary household rules apply, as they would to any pastime. It is reasonable to say that the tail does not go to a funeral, or that homework comes first. It is reasonable to ask for warm-ups and soft ground, since wrists are easily strained. It is not necessary to forbid the thing itself, and forbidding it tends to make it more important than it was.
What is worth watching
The identity is not, in itself, a cause for concern. What deserves your attention is what would deserve it in any young person:
- Unhappiness that does not lift. Withdrawal, loss of sleep or appetite, tearfulness, talk of hopelessness.
- Bullying, at school or online.
- Unsafe contact online. Adults or strangers who ask for secrecy, private conversations, photographs or meetings.
- Confusion about what is physically real, such as a sincere belief that their body is changing. This is not therianthropy and should be discussed with a doctor.
If you are worried on any of these counts, seek help for that worry: from your family doctor, a school counselor or a qualified therapist. A good one will be interested in how the young person is, not in arguing them out of who they are. The page on wellbeing and care has more.
If you are a friend
Much the same applies, more simply. You have been trusted with something. Keep it to yourself unless you are told you may share it. Do not tease, even fondly, until you are sure it is welcome. Ask if you are curious; most people are glad to be asked sincerely. And then carry on being their friend in all the usual ways, because that, more than any amount of understanding, is what they hoped you would do.
A last word
I have read a great many accounts by therians of the day they told someone. The ones that end well are remarkably alike. Nobody in them says anything wise. A mother says, "All right. Do you want tea?" A friend says, "A fox? Yes, I can see that." A father says nothing at all, and the next week leaves a book about owls on the kitchen table.
You do not need to become an expert. The overview and the frequent questions will tell you all the facts you need in a quarter of an hour. What will be remembered is whether you were kind. I expect, since you have read this far, that you will be.
Pieces in the stacks are written under pen names. Personal pieces are composite accounts that gather experiences commonly described by therians and otherkin, and are offered as illustration, not as testimony about any one person. See the editorial principles.